i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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