i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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