Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
