I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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