ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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