I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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