sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
