I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
