well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
