i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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