So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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