The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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