Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
