So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
