I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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