You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
