the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
