It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Come share oat with me in your robe
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
