i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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