dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
