I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
