I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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