new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
and you fell through a lawn chair
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
