Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
