This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
