So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
