And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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