Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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