between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize