I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
