Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I wear drunk well.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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