Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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