Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
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