I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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