Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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