hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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