Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
