its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
