You can't special order awesome
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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