You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
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