He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
We left the knife in your bed.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I want a musical about memes.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
