when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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