I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
