1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
The best revenge is premature balding
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize