I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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