i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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