Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
