mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize