i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
