When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
