Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Randomize
