made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
