the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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