I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
