If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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