he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize