I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
