We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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