I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
